Reflections on Failure

Hello friends,

Recently, I applied to a national small works show that is to take place in Nashville, TN this spring.  I found out this week that all of my entries to the show were rejected.  I had been so hopeful for this show, and really wanted to get in.  But on Monday this week, I got hit with a hard dose of disappointment as I got the results of my application. 

The Artist's Studio
oil on canvas
10x8 inches

My initial reaction was a lot like anyone else's, I'm sure.  First was the heart-sinking shock of seeing the red X's next to all of my entries on the online application form.  Then anger, as I came very close to throwing the closest thing next to me across the room.  Then an expression of bitter prayer as I projected my tantrum towards God.  And this is where it gets dangerous.

Being an artist, I have seen failure, rejection and disappointment a lot.  More than I want to even think about.  Lately, I hate to say, failure has heavily outweighed my victories.  This Nashville show is just one disappointment among many.  I am ashamed to admit how long it's been since I sold any of my work.  Recent shows that I have participated in have done nothing more than cost me money... and lots of it.  Lately, the barren season I've been enduring has taken a toll on my motivation and my self-assurance that I have what it takes to succeed in this career. 

And this brings me back to my relationship with God.  I know full well that while God may be the source of the test, He is not the reason for my disappointment and that stinging feeling of rejection and failure.  Satan, the enemy, is ruthless.  He is a savage.  1 Peter describes him as a lion just waiting to devour an easy target.  Who are the easy targets?  The ones who can't handle things like failure, rejection, and disappointment well.  I will admit, I sometimes don't handle them well at all.  I can hide it, but inside it can oftentimes be crushing me. 

Still
oil on canvas
10x8 inches

Those nagging thoughts are so dangerous, because they are loud and repetitive.  I hear them in my sleep.  Sometimes they pop up randomly.  Things can be going fine, and then all of a sudden my mind will shift into some small thought that quickly turns into a mental rant about how I'm just not good enough, and God doesn't care.  This is the voice of the enemy trying to defeat me.  He always strikes when I'm vulnerable.  And I am most vulnerable when I've experienced some disappointment. 

So it dawned on me today that I just needed to forget about Nashville.  It's done.  Yesterday, in my disappointment, my motivation was completely shot, and I hardly got anything done.  Today was about working.  I work hard, but today I needed to start working harder.  And rather than feeling tempted to blame God for any failures I've been enduring, it's time to call upon Him to bless me, and the work that I do.  Not only that, but to take full control of my hands.  For God to be the Creator, and for me to simply be the vessel.  For Him to take my hands and use them as His own in the creation of my works.  I cannot do any of this without Him working in and through me. 

It occurred to me tonight that if you are a professional in the arts, there are certain skills you must possess.  Of course, there is your talent in your chosen craft - be it painting, drawing, sculpting, music, writing, etc.  Then, there is your work ethic - because you cannot succeed in the business of fine art without working hard.  And just when you think that you work hard enough, you have to work even harder.  And yet, even then you still don't have everything necessary to succeed.  Talent alone is not enough.  A strong work ethic is not enough.  Because there will always be someone out there with more talent who works harder than you, and just like my recent experience, there will always be a show or gallery that will reject you outright regardless of how good you are.  So before any of these things, there is a skill that is essential for your survival in this career.  That is the skill of being good at failure. 

Still Standing
oil on canvas
10x8 inches

What do I mean by "being good at failure"?  Simply put, it's the difference between being a bad loser and a good loser.  I have a choice to make.  I can take my failure with the Nashville show, and all the disappointments I've had for the past several months and let them destroy me.  Or I can be motivated by them.  I can take those disappointments as a sign that, as hard as I work now, it's time to start working even harder.  To be thankful for what God has provided me, rather than be bitter about what He hasn't provided for me.

Just as an example, recently I ran out of canvas to create any more paintings.  I've been running low on quite a few things, but how can I create any paintings without something to paint them on?  And with my other current expenses, it's been hard to get more materials that I need to create.  But I actually found some old raw cotton duck scraps that I've had for several years that I forgot I had.  Scraps large enough to at least stretch a few small canvases for painting.  So I stripped some old small paintings off of their stretchers and stretched some new canvases with them.  I went out and bought a jug of acrylic gesso and primed them today.  And then I thanked God for what He provided for me.  They aren't much, and I would certainly rather have some good quality oil-primed linen again, but they are enough to keep me working on new paintings, and I am thankful that God has given that much to me right now.

So why am I going on about this?  Because I believe that failure is essential for living.  I've been through this kind of dry, barren season of disappointment and worry in my career before.  It is humbling.  It is dreadful sometimes.  Through it, there are feelings of shame and embarrassment when your pride is broken.  There's also the worry of not knowing how much longer you can go before you go under.  Maybe there are small victories interspersed throughout, and when there are, it is critical that we give God thanks and praise.  But maybe we should be giving God thanks for the trial itself.  Because these are the times when we are refined and our faith and maturity are strengthened (James 1: 2-4).  This is when we learn how to truly take nothing for granted.  After all, our victories are not victories until we've experienced failure.  And the more failure we endure, the more we appreciate the victories.  And the more humbly we appreciate them.